This blog is small glimpses into my heart and soul - attempts to be transparent with friends, and sometimes, to myself. This is my safe place, where I can come and be purely Ness.

Family: If you found your way here, please do me a favor and don't poke through my closets, ok?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Sucker-punch of Grief

Woke up feeling somewhat energetic. Somehow, within a few hours,  that changed to murky, crabby, irritable depression. Trying to shed my funk when the first one hit. Remember this? That poor little cat you lost, all alone in a strange neighbourhood in the cold of winter? You're not good at protecting little lives given to you, are you? POW! Left shaking and vulnerable, completely unsuspecting the second hit. Remember this? The time when your husband was happy and confident, had the smile of an expecting father, throughly unprepared for his own sucker-punch. POW! And I was undone. The grief swarmed and surrounded. Relentless pummels rained. Howls of pain and screams of rage emanated from a place I didn't know still existed. Almost three years have passed, but today it feels like I never left that moment. The grief is so strong I can't conquer it, and I lie beaten and bruised.
Little one, I'll never forget you. Every March and November, I'll remember the one missing from my arms. Every time I see the first crocuses of spring, I'll remember the joy you brought me for a few shorts weeks. And every now and then, I'll remember you, JJ, my baby who never had a chance to be, through the sucker-punch of grief.

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